About My Theme:
I think when I chose my theme last year, I was just really into the simplicity of the black and white. With the complete lack of colour, it does look moody and depressing, but I think it matched how I felt and it matches me. This year, I think I’ll add a small splash of colour every so often just to brighten things up a little bit, but I’ll stick with the black and white for the most part. For my actual blog theme, I really liked Oria because of the way the visuals are able to be displayed and because I thought the little slide at the top was cute.
In terms of my blog title, I chose the word nefelibata because I think it just really describes me. As I have mentioned below, I do live in my head a lot and daydream more than I should, so it’s only natural to pick a term that not only describes that, but it also just sounds really pretty.
2019.
I am Chinese, Vietnamese, and Lao, but I am ashamed.
Not of these 3 beautiful cultures that are a part of me, but of myself, for not embracing them more, for pushing them away when I was younger, for not being able to understand the languages and properly connect with my family.
I am a dreamer.
But I am just that.
I don’t try to reach my dreams, or make them come true. I leave them in my head where they are safe so that I can be safe too.
Because I am also afraid.
Afraid of failure, of not being good enough, of being an embarrassment or a disappointment.
I am just so afraid.
But I am trying. Trying to not be ashamed or afraid.
But not really.
At least I’m trying to try, I think.
I can only hope that that is good enough.
…
I am still the same girl as last year, still unable to sleep because my worries take up more space in my brain than my tiredness, yet I think I am slightly more ‘me’ than I was last year. I don’t really know what that means, and it definitely doesn’t mean that I have found myself because I am just as lost as ever, but I feel more comfortable with myself now.
But with diplomas, graduation, and university applications, I do feel like I’m losing myself again. I don’t know what I want to do with my life even though I should by now, and I’m getting so tired of saying it. I’m so tired of feeling ashamed when my friends get accepted to their dream schools and not being able to relate when they talk about their future with bright, hopeful smiles on their faces.
But what can I do? There’s just too many buts and what ifs for me to worry about. There’s just always too much that I am worrying about.
2018.
There is a girl who lays awake at night when everyone else has drifted off into sweet sleep. Alone she watches the shadows on her wall grow and shrink as the night carries on.
She’s constantly trying to distract herself, to calm her mind and hush her concerns enough for her to be able to sleep. She wants the sleep to take her, desperately wants for her exhaustion to win, but her thoughts never let them. She instead spends the night thinking, worrying and stressing.
Everything but sleep seems to come to her. The darkest feelings that she refuses to show in the day rise up to encompass her whole being and memories of mistakes and embarrassment resurface.
There is a girl who daydreams in the night, imagining a life that isn’t real. A life where she is confident and able to do anything she sets her mind to, and she doesn’t care what anyone else has to think about it. She dreams that her life has a purpose, something she hasn’t been able to find in reality.
This girl has forgotten how to live. Forgotten how to wake up in the morning and feel excited about the day, to look towards the future and be satisfied with what she sees. She doesn’t know what she’s done with her life or what she wants to do with it, she’s already wasted so many precious days.
There is a girl who hopes she will be able to find herself again. She wants nothing more than to find her reason for living and for her empty thoughts of “Why am I alive?” to be replaced with “I look forward to tomorrow”.
She doesn’t know how to find herself, or even where to start. She does know she is scared. Scared of failure, of being unable to do anything, at the idea of finding herself and learning that she really isn’t important. But she knows she has to try anyway.
There is a girl who is working on her identity, slowly but surely. Each day she is able to accomplish something, whether it’s getting up out of bed in the morning or speaking up when she normally wouldn’t. She is constantly growing and adding to her knowledge, becoming a better version of herself each time. It may be a long time before she is satisfied with herself, but she knows she’s worth the wait. Though her efforts are small, at least she’s trying, and that’s all that matters.
Dear Kayla,
You have beautifully written about your strength of mind, and I truly appreciate your honesty in this piece. Although I am not living through diplomas and university applications, I am able to perceive your internal struggles and understand how your surroundings are closing in, making it difficult to breath.
My favourite line in your “About Me” would have to be, “I am a dreamer. But I am just that.” Many times in life, we aspire to accomplish certain things, but fail to execute it. I immediately connected it to a quote from Coach Carter, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is we are powerful beyond measure.”
For improvement, I wish you went into more depth in your poem. You explored many powerful ideas in there, and I feel that more detail could have allowed for specific imagery that triggers an emotional response from the reader. For example, when you are pushing away your culture, add a metaphor that captures the essence of what you are trying to imply.
I hope you find solace in your journey into adulthood, and I am looking forward to reading more of your work this semester!
Sincerely,
Nazeefa
Dear Kayla:
You have written beautifully about your struggle with the loss of your identity and culture. This was very impactful and relatable, albeit I haven’t experienced the same sorts of problems as you have. This was definitely a piece designed to appeal to the emotions, and it was done very well. Nice to see how you are now trying to involve more color into your blog this year, and I wish you luck with finding that color. This was a beautiful piece about your progression in this world, and it was quite a joy to read this. The pictures and gifs you chose work very well and fit the theme of the blog well.
My favorite bit about this piece would have to be the following line in the poem: “But I am trying. Trying not to be ashamed or afraid. But not really.”
It shows your effort in finding your identity, yet at the same time still acknowledging the difficulty in doing so.
In regards to improvement, I think it would’ve been nicer to see just a little more of the poem you were writing. It was very beautiful writing, so much so that I would’ve liked to see more of your amazing work!
Quite a pleasure it was to read this, and I wish you success in finding what you are looking for. I will definitely be excited to return to this blog in the future.
Sincerely, Zaid
Dear Kayla,
This About Me was such a blissful experience. I really felt as though I captured a brief, yet powerful, moment in your life, in your mind. This poem expresses not just your external identity, but your raw, organic emotion that you’ve entrapped within yourself. Your poem could relate to a lot of youth, going through struggles and burdens. Your choice of simple words really engages readers and relate on a more personal level. I really enjoyed learning about you and grasping a precious glimpse into your life. Love it!
My personal favourite line(s) in your poem would be: “Because I am also afraid. Afraid of failure, of not being good enough, of being an embarrassment or a disappointment.” I, too, also struggle with fear of failure. With this line, I think you speak for those whose voices are silenced into thinking they are not good enough. This line makes the silenced feel like they are not alone.
Your poem is one that will definitely keep me thinking for some time, however to improve, I suggest adding on to your idea of not fully connecting with the people who are meant to be closest to you. For instance, in the first few lines, “I am Chinese, Vietnamese, and Lao, but I am ashamed. Not of these 3 beautiful cultures that are a part of me, but of myself, for not embracing them more, for pushing them away when I was younger, for not being able to understand the languages and properly connect with my family,” I think you could elaborate more and give more insight into why you neglected your culture(s), and how your relationships have evolved as a result of that.
I am thrilled to be able to work with you this semester, and can’t wait for your next blog post to intrigue me again. Thank you for the dedication you’ve committed yourself to this blog
Sincerely,
Sadia